Held

"This is what it means to be held.

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive.

This is what it is to be loved.

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we’d be held."

Natalie Grant

At my appointment on April 11 the baby measured a week small and there was no heartbeat. I went back to the doctor April 18 at 4:30. He did another ultrasound. The baby still measured at 7 weeks 3 days and there was still no heartbeat. Since I had been spotting and having light bleeding since Monday he said my body was already starting to miscarry. It happened last on April 19. At my first appointment on April 11 when we found out there was a 90% chance I would miscarry, I spent all night crying. I spent the next 2 days in bed crying. Then on Saturday I prayed "God, I know my child is in Your hands. Please give me the strength to deal with whatever happens." On Saturday and Sunday I went about my days as normal. Monday at 2:30 I noticed some spotting. I cried for the rest of the day. By the time I went to the doctor the second time, I was ready to accept that I lost my child. I had spent so much time grieving already, I already feel at peace about everything. I like to think my grandfater (who died when I was little) is holding his first great-grandchild and smiling. He will take care of him or her for us until the day Chris and I finally get to see our first baby.
I know there were many people praying for us. I think that is the reason I have been able to deal with this so well. Chris and I will never forget our first baby and the extreem joy we felt when we found out we were pregnant and the heartbreak we felt when we were told I would miscarry, but we are ready to move on. We named our baby Corey, which means God's peace.

It helps me a lot to know that God is not only holding my baby in His loving arms, but he is also holding me. As much as it hurts right now, I know that God works all things for the good of those who love Him, and He is going to help me through this hard time.